


Stay With Me

by iwannadreamforever



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clarke dies, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-04-07 18:10:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19090378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannadreamforever/pseuds/iwannadreamforever
Summary: Clarke is dying and Lexa needs to accept it.





	Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

> Not sorry. I wrote this a long time ago, and even had it posted on my other account (which is probably removed by now). I found it and cried. So prepare.  
> It's sad, so nobody will like it. Still posting it, though.
> 
> Goodluck.
> 
> PS: I'm currently working on something new. It's a bit happier than this. If you're curious, stay tuned.

 " _Remember the night we met? I saw you and you saw me, and something drew me to you. I just knew; I had to speak with you._  

_So I did._

_The moment you started talking, I knew you were different._

_Soon, so soon, we were talking like we had known each other for years, and at some point, you laid your head on my shoulder while you chuckled._

_In that moment, a few thoughts went through my mind. Is this really happening? Am I dreaming this? How did this happen?_

_The situation left me speechless for a bit. You pulled back and you were looking at me with concern in those beautiful, sky blue eyes._

_Even if I could speak, the words wouldn't form in my head. I just looked at you, admiring the person you were in that moment._

_You smiled at me, a reassuring, sweet smile that looked so good on you, I held my breath for a brief moment, feeling my heart skip a beat. Your face was close to mine, and I could feel your warm breath in my face._

_This, was all new to me, you know. I had never experienced something like that before._

_And then, you kissed me._

_Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, you leaned in, closing your eyes, a small smile still tugging on the corner of your lips._

_And then your lips met mine. God, you made me feel things I didn't even know existed._

_Your lips were warm, incredibly soft, slowly moving against mine. You weren't hurried, you enjoyed the moment just as much as I did. I felt your hands cupping my cheeks, holding me in place, as if you were scared I was going to leave, but how could I?_

_How could I leave you, when all I wanted to feel was you? How could I leave you, knowing I already loved you?_

_Then you pulled back, your nose bumping gently against mine as you leaned your forehead against mine, your breath tickling me. Your eyes were still closed when I opened my own._

_Your hands still on my face, warm and soft, and I enjoyed the intimacy of that moment._

_Then, your long eyelashes moved, your eyes opening slightly so I could see the clear blue of your eyes._

'Tell me you'll stay with me..' _you whispered, your lips ghosting over mine. I answered by pressing my lips back against yours._ "

 

* * *

 

I look at you as you sleep in my arms. You are skinny; way too skinny. Your face is pale, you have big bags underneath your eyes and your head is covered by your beanie, since you are ashamed for the fact your hair is falling out.

I don't mind; you are always beautiful. You always will be beautiful to me. You, the blonde, gorgeous woman that stole my heart the first moment your eyes locked with mine.

You, the strong woman who helped me through my hard days, even though your own were much harder than mine.

You, who never, not once, left my side. You love me so much, I can tell by the way you still look at me, even after 8 years of being together. Your eyes always sparkle, even when you are so tired, you can barely move.

You always keep fighting, even though we both know it's a lost cause. We both know you can't win this fight, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want to live.

I feel warm, lying against you. Even though your body temperature is lower than what's healthy, you still make me warm. 

You look fragile, vulnerable, exposed.

Defenseless, tired, as if you can't fight anymore. You told me a few weeks ago that your fight was over.

I refused to admit; I refused to believe you actually gave up, but I knew, deep down inside, that you were right, that fighting was useless.

You cried when I broke down in your arms. You cried when I held you close, as if that would help you getting better. As if that would keep you alive forever. Because I needed forever. I still do.

God, I love you so much, I can't bear the thought of being here alone, but I have to. I have to be strong, that's what you always told me. 

"Hey." you smile weakly, opening your eyes as you try to find mine.

"Hey." I whisper, tugging you a little closer when I feel you shiver. "You're beautiful." I mumble, and your smile grows.

"I look horrible." you say, and chuckle a few moments, until you're too exhausted to say more.

"No, you don't. You are gorgeous, Clarke." I say, feeling a few tears behind my eyes as I realise I have not much time to still look at you. I know you are done; I know you are leaving me soon.

"You..." you try to say, and you breathe heavily, your chest going up and down as you try to catch your breath. "..Lexa.." you mumble, and I pull you closer, pressing your head into my neck; I know you love that but you simply don't have the strength to do so yourself.

"Lexa, I love you." you breathe.

I sniffle a little. "I love you too, Clarke."

I breathe in your scent. I take in the way you feel, your body perfectly fit in mine, even though you weren't more than a skeleton covered with skin. I can't stop looking at you. You are so beautiful.

Your eyes, always shining, even in your darkest moments. Your small nose, always bumping mine in between kisses. Your mouth, your beautiful lips, soft on mine. Your little freckle, that I will always remember.

You are perfect; you always have been. And here you are, dying, while you deserve to live. You deserve the world, and you are dying in my arms. I can feel it. I can feel you giving up entirely, I can feel you stop fighting, I can feel you surrender.

"Clarke." I mumble, putting my lips gently on yours. You are too weak to kiss me back, but I don't mind. I just feel you and you feel me. 

"Lexa." you say, pulling back for as far as you can. I know what you are about to say; your goodbye. Your last goodbye. 

Your last words, you are creating the thing that will be my last memory of you.

You sigh a few times, and I know you are gathering the strength to say what you want to say.

"I love you." you say, your tired eyes looking into mine, and still, the sparkle is there. "I have loved you so much." you sob, a tear in your eye, and I wipe it away.

"Just know... I want you... to live, Lexa." you still look at me as you smile. "Don't be angry for what's gone; be grateful for what has been." you sigh, your eyes closing, gathering more strength.

"I need you... to promise me." you breathe, more tears streaming down your cheeks. I barely notice how you struggle to lift your hand to wipe tears off my own face, tears I didn't notice. You let your hand rest on my cheek, too tired to pull it away, or just because you enjoy touching me.

"I promise, Clarke." I tell you, not knowing if I can keep that promise, but I just want you to be assured. I know you are worried about me, I know you want me to be happy, but all I know is you. All I know is that I can find my happiness in you, and you don't know that you're the only one capable of making me feel like that.

You don't know how much you mean to me, you don't know that you are my everything. So I promise. 

I can't cry right now. I have to be strong, for you. I want you to see me smile before you go, not cry. That'll make you feel bad.

So I smile, happy that we still have a few moments together before you're leaving forever.

"You have given me so much, Clarke. I wouldn't want to have it any other way." I kiss your nose, your cold, greyish nose. You smile, your eyes closing slightly, and I know it's time.

I put on some music, a soft song that I know is your favourite. It sounds through the room and you still smile while you try to snuggle closer to me.

"I love you." I tell you again.

"Be safe, Lexa. You are..." you try to speak. "..you are... everything..  _my_ everything.." you still smile as you struggle to say your last words. 

Your smile leaves your face. I plant a small kiss on your lips and I know it's the last one we will ever share.

When I pull back, your heart is still beating. You are still here, but I know you won't last long. You are not strong enough to live, not anymore.

"It's okay." I move a little, swaying very softly, comforting you in my arms. "It's okay to let go." I breathe, and I feel you relax in my arms.

You are still here. Your heart is still beating. I'm constantly checking your monitor, your heart is giving up, it's beating less every minute.

I hold you tight, as tight as I can. I can hear your irregular breathing. Your eyes still closed, I know you probably won't hear me anymore.

"I will always love you." I mumble. My eyes still focussed on you, I see your lips tug in a smile. So you  _can_ hear me. "I belong to you." I add, and your smile is wider. I know you don't have the strength to open your eyes anymore, but I know how you would look at me if you could open them.

"Go, Clarke, it's okay. May we meet again, beautiful." you always loved it if I called you beautiful, so I did.

That was the last you heard of me.

I close my eyes, my arms around you, my wife, and you relax more. 

The moment your heart stopped, mine stopped as well. But your heart stopped forever, while mine continued to beat a few moments later. 

Your heart stopped, your body stopped, and you were gone, just like that. Your body just an empty shell of the person you used to be. 

I don't move, you still lie in my arms, not moving. 

And then, the tears come. They stream down my cheeks, and I can't stop. I can't stop crying, as you lie in my arms, motionless.

I realise what I have lost. It suddenly comes all down on me, all at once.

I know I have to live my life without you from now on. I know I can't tell you about my day, I know I can't listen to you ramble enthusiastically about your job and your weird colleagues.

I know I can't hold you anymore, can't cuddle with you anymore, and I can't show you how much I love you. Because I do. I do love you. And I always will. My heart belonged to you the first moment I saw you, and it is only meant for you.

I don't want to give it to anybody else, I don't think I  _can._ You are my life.  _Were_ my life.

I step outside, in the cold. It's dark; you died in the middle of the night in the hospital.

I'm going home now, by myself. That's how it'll always be from now on. I'll always be alone. I don't have family; I only had you. And you left. I don't blame you, not at all, you fought so hard and I am so proud of you, still.

I feel dead. Numb. Fuzzy.

This doesn't feel like me.

This doesn't feel like it's real.

But it is. It is reality,  _hard_ reality. My nose is closed due to all my crying. 

About thirty minutes after you died, the nurses came in, telling me it was time.

Time to let you go forever. They patiently waited for me to stop crying. They waited for me to remove my arms away from you, while they knew it was my last opportunity to hold you. My sweet, beautiful, funny wife. My love, joy, happiness, it was all you. 

They needed to take you away, I knew that. So I let go. Crying, I let you go.

Not just physically. I let you go in my mind. I accepted that you were gone. At least i thought I did. We had it coming for weeks, and now the moment had come. So yeah, I let you go. Not in a way that I'll move on, no.

I don't think I'll ever be capable of moving on from you. I don't even want to. What we had is all I need. All I need to live. Like you told me, just hours ago;  _be grateful for what has been._

So I'm trying. It's hard, already. I already miss you like hell, I already miss your warmth.

I miss your skin on mine, your warm, soft, perfect skin. I miss your voice, your heavy, husky, sexy voice that told me you loved me. I miss your grip you always had when you hugged me. I miss the way you snorted and laughed when I said something funny. I miss the way you chuckled behind your hand when you didn't want to laugh at me, but you just couldn't help yourself.

I miss the way you were sitting on the couch, sketching something in your sketchbook, your tongue a little out of your mouth in concentration. 

I miss it all. I miss you. I will always miss you. You were all I had, I miss you, I miss you so much. How would I ever move on from you? 

It's really cold outside. The stars are shining brightly and I wonder if you can see me from above, if you're somewhere out there. I like to think so. This is a part of my life now, and I have to let it stay. I have no choice but to let it stay, this feeling I have, this feeling of emptiness, being incomplete without you. So, yeah, I just like to think you're there, and that whenever I look up, you smile, and I smile back at you. So I'm smiling now, smiling, because your suffering is over. Your fight is over, and you are free of pain, free of exhaustion. You're free.

Still, to me, it's dark, and cold, just the way I feel inside. That feeling started the moment the nurses covered you with a thin blanket. The moment they drove you away from me and I was left behind in your empty room. The moment I grabbed your stuff and threw it around the room, so angry, so hurt as I was, still am.

It took me two hours to calm down. I sat on the ground in your hospital room, trying to understand what had happened. Trying to understand  _why_ it happened.

As soon as I thought I was strong enough to leave, I walked out of the room, only taking your stuffed raccoon, the one you made me sleep with, in case I'd be gone for work, so you could cuddle with it and it would smell like me.

Now it smells like you. I walked in the hallway, hugging the raccoon, and I smelled your scent on it. I clutched onto it, and I couldn't stop my loud cries. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't stop all the tears.

I leaned my back against the wall, and I slid myself on the ground, holding onto the raccoon.

I love you, Clarke, I can never let you go. I thought I could, but I can't. Your face will always be in my mind. Your voice will always sound in my head as I think. You will always be with me. 

And we  _will_ meet again.

* * *

 

_"Your gaze was more beautiful than the evening sun setting over the the waves of the ocean. I could almost feel the warmth of a long, tight hug I had a great desire to give you. My breath was snatched from my lungs, making my eyes grow a bit when you looked into them with a beautiful, white grin topped off with a cute blush when I reached my arm out to you._

_Your little laugh was quiet, but music to my ears when you reached out your hand to grab mine. You tugged me to you and wrapped your arms around me like you were trying to squeeze the remains of my breath out of my lungs._

_As if that wasn't exciting enough, you pressed your head against my left shoulder, with your eyes closing as you shed a few tears of joy._

_I wanted to let you know something, something important. I've had this trapped in my mind for too long not to tell you, and I wanted to get this off my chest._

_We've known each other for a few years now, and when we first met, and we gazed into each other's eyes for the first time, I felt a weird, yet exciting feeling that took my breath away and left me stunned, and I saw the same reaction from your eyes._

_And when our time together was up, we never said goodbye, because goodbye means we may not meet again. Instead, we said I'll see you again. Our relationship has built over the years, and now there's hardly a day that went by that we did't speak to each other._

_The smiles we exchanged with each other were not an act of deception to make people believe we were someone we're not. Our smiles were real, and contained so much joy when we saw each other that it made us forget about our issues and sorrow that we held on to for unknown reasons._

_We were real people who did not wear a mask to hide our personal troubles. We lifted each other up, and we were always there for each other. We were honest to each other. And we were loyal to each other. And I was hoping to ask you if we can take a step further, a step deeper in this relationship, so that our two stories can come together and become one."_

 

* * *

 

Pitch black.

The stars are shining brightly, randomly divided over the black colour of the night sky. I wonder if you can see me in this darkness. Probably you will. You see me everywhere.

You are still with me, even after six years.

Six years ago, you died in my arms. Six years ago, my life ended, or at least, I thought so. 

I still cry about you. Every day. It just hurts so much, I can't even believe it has been six years already. I had no idea I could survive this long without you, because hell, I'm so incomplete.

The wind is cold in my face as I sit on the cold sand on the beach. You loved this beach so much, you used to drag me here even though it was freezing cold, even though you knew I hated cold. And here I am, sitting in the cold winter, on the beach that was your favorite place on this planet.

It comforts me, somehow, being in a place that I know that you loved so much. I can see you running around here in my thoughts, I can see you lying on your back, looking up at the sky, I can see you dancing, dragging me with you in your blunt enthusiasm.

I go here almost every day, because it calms me down. At work, I manage to pretend I'm fine. At work, people think I'm getting over you, but in reality, I'm not even close. 

Call me crazy, call me stupid, but I just can't let you go, because I love you so much. My heart hurts, every minute of every day and the sad part is, I'm getting used to it.

I'm getting used to this; waking up with your side of the bed empty, cold. I'm getting used to go to work, and then remind myself to tell you stuff later, and then come home to find out you're not there. I'm getting used to fall asleep with your stuffed raccoon, even though your smell is long gone.

Maybe that's the worst. Your smell is gone. Our place used to smell like  _us,_ but now it just smells like  _me._ Even though we're still together in my mind, our apartment doesn't confirm that. I still have your shampoo in the shower, and I smell it every time I take a shower, just closing my eyes and remembering your golden locks in my nose while I smelled your shampoo.

Only the pictures I have of you show others about us. I have many, so many, just because I love looking at you so much. You're everywhere; you're next to the TV, you're on the little coffeetable, you even hang above the stove because otherwise, I'd miss looking at you while I cook. I have a lot of pictures in our room, on my nightstand.

You're in my background on my phone, and people at work think I'm addicted to social media, while I'm really just addicted to you.

I have a few videos of you, on my phone. I was scared I'd forget what your beautiful voice sounded like, I was scared that I'd forget the way you acted. I have a lot of videos, and gladly most of them are so cute. When I'm in a good mood, I'm laughing my ass off at your ridiculous actions. When I'm in a bad mood, I'm crying my eyes out just because I miss you so much.

My life is just a blur. Time goes by so fast, I'm living without actually  _living_. 

I tried to date once. That was horrible. I didn't want to take off my ring that connected me to you. It was a blind date, and I already cried picking out an outfit, because I heard your voice in my head telling me that it would look good on me or not. I stood there in front of  _our_ closet. I saw your clothes still there, imagining you wearing them.

I always do. Every day, I always take a moment to remember what you'd look like if you'd picked a certain outfit. All of your clothes looked so beautiful on you, you could literally wear a plastic bag and you'd still be the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. You always were. Always the most beautiful person I'd ever seen.

Everything I do, I imagine you there with me. When I cook, I imagine your arms around my waist, your chin on my shoulder while you'd tease me for the weird way I cook. When I eat, I can almost hear you moaning softly, just because I know you'd like the food so much, you'd close your eyes, moan, and chew slowly. When I take a shower, I imagine that you are taking your clothes off behind the curtain to join me a minute later. When I go to bed, I leave on the lights, because I don't want you to be in the dark while you get your pyjama's on. When I wake up, I make coffee for two, I still use your favorite mug for you. Two sugars, just the way you like it. When I do groceries, I still buy your favorite cookies. I still stand in the wallmart, that one spot where I have a very fun memory of.

It had been early; we were both hungry and I had forgotten about the groceries because you had distracted me so much. We'd been together for almost two years that day and I just knew I was going to marry you one day.

You stood there, your glasses on, your eyes sleepy, your hair in a messy bun, sweats and a hoodie, some random sneakers. I don't think I've ever seen you sleepier than that moment, because you fell asleep; while you stood in front of a few shelves.

I was just about to grab your favorite cookies, when you fell, right into those shelves. You had really fallen asleep, but you'd woken up the second your face hit the shelf. Your glasses had been broken, and your nose as well, and the manager had been angry, something I didn't understand, because how on earth could someone ever be angry with a cute, beautiful, adorable, amazing girl like you?

I had taken you to the doctor after that, and you'd been grumpy, but all I did was smile. You thought I was laughing at you, but I kept telling you I thought it was absolutely adorable. You never really believed me. I hope you do now, because every time I grab your favorite cookies, I smile, so wide, thinking about that moment. Yes, your cookies are still in the same place. Everything is the same. Except for the fact that you are gone. 

I also dream about you a lot. Sometimes, those dreams are horrible, me reliving your death. But most times, it's a memory of you. Mostly I dream one of your happy, cute moments, and I think I need that. I think I need to relive our past sometimes.

I need that every moment, but some nights are enough, for now. 

In my dreams, I can  _feel_ you. I can  _smell_ you.

When I look at videos of you, I can only see and hear you, but in my dreams? That is all so real, feels so real that it makes me think that this life is the dream and my dreams are reality. Maybe, just maybe, it is like that. I'm still hoping for that day that I stop dreaming this life and that you become my reality.

Being with you would make everything right. Everything would fall into place if you'd be here, by my side, or in my arms.

I just need you, Clarke. But there's nothing I can do about it, this is beyond my control. I can't fight this. No matter how hard I try, I just can't.

You are gone and I know I have to deal with it, but I just can't. It's not that simple. I can't just let go of the person that  _was_ my life, that was my everything. I can't just accept the fact that I will never be able to talk to you again, that I will never hold you again.

Because you are gone. Forever. And I know, I will see you again, one day, and I for one, can't wait.


End file.
